In the past month, I was diagnosed with severe depression/anxiety. Am I suicidal? Not in the slightest, but it has prevented me from being able to function on a daily basis. It’s a ridiculous roller coaster of emotions that has been around for the past 5 years. It’s exhausting.
I find myself crying. A lot.
I overthink scenarios, and a lot of the time think of the worst. I tend to think whomever I’m with at the time is just putting up with me, or they just flat-out hate me. Because of that, I feel like I’m losing friends due to shutting myself off from the world. I’m a burden. A part of my brain knows that not to be true, but another part just can’t shut up over the possibilities.
Work, more often than not, is near difficult to go to. It’s sad that I feel like I have to make up excuses for why I can’t make it into work such as ‘my car broke down’ or ‘basement flooded’. I can’t just say ‘I’m depressed’, or rather, I feel like I can’t.
There is constant self-loathing. I don’t feel like I’m good enough at the things I do. Other people are much better at it. I’m very hard on myself..failure hurts that much more when trying new things and don’t succeed. I have had other health problems, and yet no one can seem to figure out the real issues as to what’s going on. It’s discouraging.
I’m terrified of new people - especially ones I look up to. If I don’t talk to you in person, it’s not because I don’t want to - it just feels like I’m going to say something really stupid, so I’m better off keeping my mouth shut.
I am getting help for my depression. A couple sessions in already, but I haven’t noticed too much of a change.
I just needed to get this off my chest. Here’s hoping this gets better with time.